put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize