i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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