Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
