You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
