Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
