I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
God I need to hump something, right now.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
