***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
