I saw his package. It spoke to me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
