he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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