I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
