they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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