Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
