I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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