idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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