life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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