Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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