don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
