They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
