So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
