when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I FOUND THE LEGS
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
