Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
