I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
