Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
