Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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