I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
