how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
