so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
