I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
