were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
