Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
