remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
