2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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