She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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