I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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