Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
