I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
