I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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