Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
