so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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