The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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