if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
