I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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