Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
