My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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