may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
