That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
