giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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