Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
