I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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