good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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