I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
