My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
