Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
